My first-ever sonnet (since high school, anyway). Though I’m not doing InSoWriMo, I did manage to squeak one out, in large part due to the inspiration provided by Caro over the last few weeks. She does this far better than I, so go read hers.

Extended

On Christmas, four small children dart and scream,

And mothers frayed and tired, they may scold

The others that are not their own, but dream

That they, to higher lofty standards hold.

Break

We hold these babes in light yet honest mirth,

The newest round and pink, with almond eyes,

We’ve waited for this hale and wondrous birth

As dreams and fear in their own measure die.

Break

As gifts are opened, wrapping paper thrown,

There’s something new, this stage these actors knew,

We leave what was, was old, was always known,

Our newness fits, our deepest wounds are few.

Break

And yet, though these three hours we will mend

What falls apart, at daybreak it may end.

Megan wrote (as a comment in my last post):

Yes, I would say it seems you have some pretty good kids, too! I do hear you on the exhausting part, though – I find it a special kind of challenge to balance treating our kids with the respect and reasoning that I want to (a thought provoking book is Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Cohn), given their relative lack of, well, civility! Like it or not, with multiple children, I think their behavior does have to be managed sometimes. Speaking of which, any discipline thoughts or techniques you might want to share? That are enforcable for one parent with 2 (or 3) children..? Thanks Emmie!

I’m no expert, Megan, and don’t always feel like a very effective disciplinarian, so I’m not sure how much I have to offer. But opinions–I guess I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t fess up to having a few of those. Some fairly random thoughts, after which any of you are free to add your own. Required to, actually. Don’t make me discipline you!

• Safe, respectful, kind (Moxie’s approach, I think?) has gotten us a long ways in terms of not over-explaining and not making arbitrary rules. All “rules” are so we can be safe, respectful, and kind.
• We really encourage independence, and part of the reason we got chickens is to get kids involved in the work of the family in a meaningful way. We’ve incorporated some Montessori-type ideas to encourage meaningful independence, like having a drawer for their utensils that they can access and set the table out of, encouraging pouring and taking care of plants, helping with cooking… We really try to state things in those types of terms: the family has needs and we all have our own needs, everyone in the family is important, everyone has to do some things they don’t want to, everyone’s feelings and ideas matter, etc. As they’re getting older, we’re talking more and more about the community (often neighborhood, church, and school), the environment,  and even the world.
• Modeling is SO important, even in terms of discipline. Sometimes that sucks, but it’s still true. My kids need to see my own self-discipline, and I will often say something like, “I feel like lying around, but I’m going to clean a little, and I bet it’ll be done before I know it.”, or, I could just eat candy for dinner tonight, but my body wouldn’t feel as good as my mouth”, or, “I really feel like losing my temper, but I’m going to take a break in the other room and take some deep breaths to calm down”. If I swear under my breath at another driver, I’ll state that I messed up and should have been more patient, maybe asking for suggestions on how to keep my cool. We play fun games at dinner, like “what would happen if…?” and among the silly ones, I try to throw in some more serious ones.
• I’ll often ask them what they think another person’s experience might be like, to be at home sick (No*ah always comes home telling me who was out that day), or to be a bus driver, or to be a baby, or elderly, or a Republican. OK–not that last one…
• I used to make them apologize if they screwed up, but now I require that they “make it right” if they mess up with someone by fighting or what not, and they pretty automatically say “what do you need to help you feel better?” Usually the other boy will ask for a stuffed animal, some space, or a hug. Lately, Oli*ver’s been saying, “You don’t have to do anything”, and I’m not sure what to make of that.
• Lately, I’ve been talking about “energy” with some success: “I’ve lost all my patient energy because of the fussing and whining, so I’m going to go read for a little while until I get some more or you figure out how to put some back”. Sometimes we don’t do the fun thing we’d planned. It seems to be working a little. Noa*h accused O*liver of “taking away his energy” the other day, and he was pretty justified, IMO.
• I definitely try to avoid completely arbitrary consequences, but I do impose consequences with the distinct hope that they make an impression. Time-outs, having to earn back or losing a toy for a while (if it was the source of the issue), losing a bedtime story because we’re out of time due to goofing around,  are some of them.
• No*ah is in a complaining phase, and I’ve been making him say something positive after he’s been unduly negative. If they hit or whatever, I’ll often make them tell me three things that are kind that they can do with their hands.
• Playfulness is huge, and in general, the more I’m able to be playful with them the better. That said, I will use disengagement as a consequence if they’re being really obnoxious. If you treat Mama like crap, Mama needs a break for a little while. I would argue that it’s part of being genuine with one’s children, at least one’s preschool-and-older children. But no matter what happens, we always find a positive way to reconnect.
• I really want them to do the thinking, to really figure it out from a place of values, safety and respect rather than just following rules. If I’m doing all the thinking about how to solve a problem, then that’s a problem IMO.
• We do some family meetings, though not all that consistently. We should do them more, because they’re actually pretty effective and rewarding.
• Good food, exercise, and enough sleep are probably as important as anything more conventionally thought of as “discipline”, for all of us.

I got some good ideas from Kohn’s book, but don’t buy his philosophy entirely. But then, whose do I? Kohn is a wise man in his own way, but I think implementing all his ideas to the excludion of using parent-imposed consequences is very, very, difficult to do with one parent and more than one child. I also tend to think that civility and respect are pretty darn important, and I don’t think I could put up with everything he seems to think is OK–to be honest, the parents I’ve met who are really devoted Kohn followers put up with stuff I just won’t. I was part of an on-line Unconditional Parenting group for a while when the boys were much smaller, and decided that I’ll take what I like and leave the rest, thanks.  But again, I will say that I really think his book is very worth reading and has lots of good food for thought and ideas. I have read my share of parenting books, and often get some great ideas (or reframing of how I’m thinking about things), but usually that’s about it. I do particularly like “How To Talk So Your Kid Will Listen And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk”, “Siblings Without Rivalry”, (same authors) and “Kids Are Worth It” by Barbara Coloroso. Incidentally, Coloroso quotes Kohn a bit, and seems like a more practical and less extreme version of Kohn’s ideas to me.

I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that the good techniques most of us are trying hard to implement do not necessarily make for a  harmonious and pretty family life all the time. In fact, people who impose rigid rules with a very firm hand may well have better-mannered children who do things the first time they’re asked and more consistently inspire confidence in your parenting from others. I know every parenting book pretty much promises delightful children if you follow their way consistently, but I’m actually open to the idea that we’re doing things the harder way in terms of allowing some negotiation and focusing more on respect and kindness than obedience, at least in the short term. I wonder though, at what cost that comes, and for how long it really lasts. I believe it’s worth it to sacrifice a hight level of unquestioning compliance for focusing on respect and critical thinking.

In any case, it will make things better to be fair, consistent and calm, but there will still be ugly days: we might still lose our shit more often than you like, our children may appear to be ill-tempered little brutes or brats, and we may wonder if any of it is having any effect at all. To that, I have only this to say: perfect isn’t normal; imperfect is.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on discipline–so pipe up if you’ve also been known to have an opinion or two. What’s working at your house?